Dear Landlord: If I Break Your ‘No Dogs’ Policy, What Happens?

Illustration: Samantha Moss

Dear Landlord,

I hope this email finds you in a good mood. I was just going through my lease agreement, as one does, and it says here that I’m not allowed to own any dogs while I’m living in this unit. Now, I know I must have agreed to those conditions when I first applied for this shoebox you call a “studio”, it’s just that it’s been like six months and unfortunately those conditions won’t work for me anymore. I guess I’m just wondering if I break these terms to get a dog, what will happen?

But before I start tossing threats, I want to give you the opportunity to reconsider our contract. You see, this neighborhood is actually packed with the PUREST four-legged angels. Many of them are corgis (my favorite) and now that I’ve had a glimpse at what an urban dog-mom life could look like, I’ve decided that this is absolutely the life for me! You should know that this temptation is not a phase. I want this. Plus, the listing for this place never mentioned that most of the tenants have tails. So, that’s on you!

That raises another question, though. How come other people in this building can have dogs, but I can’t? I mean, it seems like every time I step into the elevator there is a very good boy sitting there just waiting to be petted. I don’t touch them, though, because of social distancing. Instead, I just hold in the obnoxious squealing and try to act normal. Sometimes when I see this one dachshund in the lobby I think, “I would *probably* be fine going off my antidepressants if I woke up to that PERFECT LITTLE FACE every morning”. So, yeah. Please get back to me on that because it doesn’t make any sense.

I also want to remind you that you never fixed my bathtub. Since I can’t use the bottom faucet, I fill the bathtub using the showerhead. It’s a huge inconvenience but I’ll let it slide because I’m so easygoing and flexible. Don’t you love it when people are flexible? I do. All I’m saying is that you owe me, and letting me have this one thing this one time would be a great way to reconcile!

In the meantime, I will be sending you unsolicited TikTok videos of cute dogs that live in small apartment units as a friendly reminder that I have options. Do you really want to lose an otherwise perfect tenant? I don’t think you do! And in this economy? Yikes, you need me.

Anyways, I really REALLY hope you’ll reconsider our agreement. If you don’t, though, can you please tell me what the repercussions could look like if I decide to just get one anyway? I need to weigh the risks. Like, if it’s going to put me in jail I don’t think that would be fair to the dog. But if you’re going to keep my deposit or something, it’s totally worth it!

As for rent, I’ll definitely e-transfer it to you before the first. Unless you email me back saying my request has been denied. In which case, I might be a bit late this month.

Thank you and that’s all!

--

--

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Samantha Moss

Samantha Moss

Copywriter. Illustrator. Introvert.